I Don't Think It Means What You Think It Means: Kitchen Edition

Before we begin, I feel there are a few things that should be known:

I hate cooking. I only do it as a last resort (Mr. Chef is otherwise engaged and we are desperate). My goal in the kitchen is to fill bellies with something that has a hint of nutritional value and not kill anyone...with the least amount of effort possible. 

Recipes make no sense to me. I can follow one to the letter, and it still comes out looking like something that requires crime scene tape. 

Thank you, but no, I don't want to learn to cook. There will not be a moment when it all clicks and I suddenly find a passion for all things kitchen, and even if I did, I am far too stubborn to admit it. 

Oh, and baking is right out.

On with the lesson!

OVEN: By oven, I assume you mean the Hotbox. It is the ugly thing against the wall that, at least in my experience, turns things black and activates the smoke alarms. 

QUICK: Microwaves are quick. Anything in or on the Hotbox is not quick. Period. It will also activate the smoke alarms which takes more time to air out the house. 

SIMPLE DISH: Does it have more than 3 ingredients? Not so simple, then. 

EASY RECIPE: If contains leeks, shallots, mushrooms, or onions, it does not qualify as "easy". Oh, and flour. Flour is a red flag. Flour never, ever means easy. Ever.* 

GUACAMOLE: Tastiest green goop ever, but not made from avocados. I hate avocados, but love guac, therefore it can not possibly be made of avocado. 

*OK, there is some debate about roux. Roux is like a base, and bases are for freeze tag and baseball, not for kitchening, and not a stand alone dish. It could be the start of a recipe, but not a stand alone dish. I stand firm: flour is never easy. 

To be continued.