The Great Pine Straw Adventure 2016

The Great Pine Straw Adventure of 2016

I grew up in a state where we used mulch to edge flower beds and such. We had both regular wood mulch and some rubber mulch for around the playground equipment. Seems kids don't like falling on pointy chunks of wood. Wimps. Anyway, there were also pine trees on the property, so I spent as much time pulling pine needles out of the mulch as I did weeding out the garden. It was a mini obsession. When we moved to this neighborhood (in a different state), I discovered people here prefer pine straw to mulch. It made so much sense when I actually thought about it, since pine straw can be obtained without damaging trees, is much cheaper, comes in bales and NOT in plastic bags, and it actually breaks down to fertilize the soil.  I guess if you have pine trees maybe you don't want to landscape with pine needles because you would just look like you hadn't raked the yard, so you go with mulch so people can tell you care. If you don't have many, or any, pine trees, then you are safe to go the cheaper route. All these "rules"!

When we first moved in, I decided to order fresh pine straw to brighten the existing beds. For the first week, I freaked out every time I looked out the window because what my brain said should be mulch was covered in the hated pine straw. I finally got accustomed to seeing it, just about the time the leaves started to fall. See, I also come from a state that doesn't have seasons, so I forgot fall actually meant "fall" in some places, and two weeks after it was delivered, my pine straw was being buried in leaves. Grrr. I felt so dumb. I bet my neighbors got quite the chuckle out of watching the newbie waste money....but not this year!

This time around, I ordered the pine straw early. OK, I should have ordered it at the beginning of April, and it is mid-May, but still not fall. I placed the order online Saturday morning, and they advised it would be 5-7 days for delivery, or up to 6 weeks if I wanted them to install it. Having watched a professional crew lay it last Autumn in a matter of minutes, I figured I would do it myself. Sounded both fun and way cheaper.  My mom ordered me the wheelbarrow/dolly thing from Amazon, but unfortunately, the original wheelbarrow got lost somewhere in Kentucky, so Amazon had to ship me a new one. This meant that instead of arriving on Sunday, the wheelbarrow wouldn't arrive until Wednesday. Shouldn't matter, since I wasn't expecting pine straw until Thursday at the earliest, so I would still have plenty of time to assemble it and all that. Naturally, Monday morning the pine straw folks had a delivery to make on our street, so they tossed my stuff on the same truck and I got it less than 48 hours after I placed the order, well ahead of my predicted Thursday (best case) arrival. This thrilled me to my toes until I realized...no wheelbarrow. So, pine straw but no wheelbarrow just means more work, and as problems go, I am still a pretty lucky monkey. On with the show.

The Great Wall of Pine Straw

There was this lovely pine straw calculator online that allowed you to put in square footage, and it would tell you how many bales you needed. Since I am adding a new bed to the back, and I am not totally sure how large I want it, I decided to order what I knew I needed, plus some, for a total of 60 bales. With only a $5 delivery fee, I could always order more. You know something? 60 bales of pine straw stacked in your front yard is a little intimidating, especially when you are looking at hauling it without the benefit of a fancy wheelbarrow. Nonetheless, I pulled on my official yard work uniform (nasty t-shirt, jeans, boots, gloves, and a baseball cap) and headed out. I've learned a couple of very important things: I am super lucky to live where the high was 76 degrees at 2 pm, and pine straw does, in fact, weigh less than mulch...even though after hauling my 40th bale I was beginning to wonder. Also, a crew of trained professionals can do the yard in no time flat, but being neither a crew nor a professional, it took me considerably longer. However, I got probably 30 bales down, and the rest moved around to the side/back of the house...by hand...all in one afternoon.

Bunker with moving blanket roof.

My youngest child did "assist" by building a pretty cool bunker out of half the bales and a moving blanket. Not sure it was a ton of help, but it was pretty funny. I tell you, I was so exhausted by the time I got the stuff installed that I wasn't interested in moving the rest around back..and then the smallest of the small ones started talking about how she would help more when the wheelbarrow arrived, because going down the hill IN it would be awesome, and she was sure pine straw made excellent air bags. I suddenly found the motivation to haul the rest around the house and down the hill, thereby hopefully avoiding the whole wheelbarrow kamikaze experience. I am sure there will be other reasons to attempt it, but crisis averted this time.

Update: Wheelbarrow arrived, was assembled, and tested by the cats. When they finally got bored, I decided to take it outside to test it myself. Pretty awesome. Then I saw some weeds desperately in need of whacking, so when the small child asked if she could haul some rocks for me, I thought nothing of it. 30 seconds later I heard giggling and squealing and knew that the child was now accompanied by at least one other child, and they were careening down the hill. I told them they couldn't ride down the hill because it was dangerous and because the other neighbors didn't want to hear them screaming. About 7 minutes later I was knocking on the neighbor's door because her child was bleeding on my bench. Seems when I said they couldn't go down the hill in the wheelbarrow, they took that to mean they should go down the driveway, instead. Poor kid tried to stop herself from running into the back of our car, and her foot got stuck between it and the wheelbarrow. Soooo much blood. I felt horrible, but the child was back to playing about 20 minutes later. No stitches. What a trooper.


So, there are stacks of pine straw bales along the back of the house, and now it is raining. All three weather apps on my phone predict more rain this week. (And Weather Kittens are never wrong!) I guess if I can't go outside to play with my pine straw I can start looking into the sod vs. seed options for the remaining "lawn space" out front. Mr. Man thinks we could actually grow some grass out back, despite everyone saying there is too much shade.  I WILL grow grass because I do what I want.

I Got a Present..or Two..or Three!

So, Mother's Day was a couple of weeks ago. I may not be Mother of the Year, but I think I got her gifts by accident! Are you sitting down? Brace yourself...my family gave me a cordless weed whacker and a cordless hedge trimmer!  And their batteries are interchangeable! Go ahead, roll your eyes. You can even do that little groan thing because you think I should have gotten brunch and a new bonnet. (There is another post waiting in the wings about gift giving so I won't get into it right now...) I was thrilled. Not in the "it is a gift so I need to pretend" sort of way because I really wanted something pretty from Jimmy Choo, but in the real and true "this is spectacular and all mine and if you touch it I will bite your hand off " sort of way. Forget the "One Ring", that weed whacker is my precious.

Let me tell you, as soon as that battery was charged, out I went. I weed whacked until my arms wouldn't work. Had the battery not finally drained down, I would have whacked weeds and edged edges until I collapsed. It was SO MUCH FUN! Of course, I started out timidly, afraid to cut too close to the ground. And there was a little "oops" in the front ivy, sort of like when you cut your bangs a little too short on the left side and have to let it grow out, so it is gonna look weird for a week or so, but we're talking ivy so it will grow back pretty quickly. I still haven't tried the hedge trimmer.  Since our hedge is in desperate need of a trim and is a complete monster, Mr. Manly asked that I wait until he can assist/supervise before I tackle it. I had used the old electric trimmer, but this one is fancier and a little scary. Also, I am 5'3" tall, and the hedge is over 9". Evidently, the HOA frowns upon blood splatter on the driveway, and I guess if I "oops" with the trimmer, we could be in for a nasty-gram or a fine or something. Oh, and I would likely bleed out and scar the neighborhood children for life. Whatever.

Between Mother's Day and today, my pine straw got delivered. More on that next post, because it is a bit of a story.. but aren't most things? I can never seem to just say "I'm fine". It has to be "today this thing happened and it was funny except I am telling it badly and you had to be there but you weren't so I guess I am fine despite all that even if you don't get what I am trying to say because I don't speak English so much as gibberish." Anyone else do that?

Today, my newest toy arrived! I got this really genius wheelbarrow/dolly thing. (Thanks, Mom!!)  The small child is so irritated because she says she came up with the idea last year using our dolly and a cardboard box, but her's was more "ride down the hill to my doom" and less "dirt and mulch hauler." Anyway, this one has replaced the cardboard box with something that looks like a kitchen sink, at least in the photo. I haven't put it together, yet, but that is Task #1 for tomorrow morning. I think I scared the UPS man when he delivered it, though. The child had gotten a new Chubby Puppy toy as a reward for "helping" with the pine straw, and it came in the same delivery as my new toy, so naturally I elbowed her out of the way in the race to the curb. UPS driver gave me a weird look. I told him she would be fine and all that really mattered was my wheelbarrow was here. (The UPS guy is new. My FedEx guy knows me well enough now not to be surprised when I almost hug him for bringing my weed whacker or some other random yard whatsit. UPS guy will learn. He seems bright.)

Somehow my wheelbarrow turned into a potential Scout bed. I suspect she had help. 

So, between these lovelies and my fancy tools from Christmas, I am ready to take on any yard. However, as I have been forced to explain on numerous occasions, in this I have no delusions: I have enthusiasm, but maybe not so much in the way of skill. The landscaper I used last year told me that interest was actually more important because you can always learn to do something if you are enthusiastic. I think he may have just said that because I hadn't paid him, yet, but I choose to believe he was being honest. OK, so I have some delusions..but who cares? I do what I want.

Spring has Sprung, and It Brought Friends!

So, I haven't updated the blog in a couple of months due to technical difficulties, travel, and not a lot to talk about.  However,  I have a new Chromebook, we are home, and I have dumb thoughts to share! (And there was much rejoicing...)

The backyard population has had a spring surge. I have gone from a squirrel to 3, a couple of chipmunks to several, and my cardinal has a harem.

I also now have a couple of cute rabbits, a couple of towhees, house finches, all added to the chickadees and titmice that have been with me since I put out the feeders.  It can get pretty busy out there, and Jem and I take up residence most evenings in front of the large window overlooking the backyard. So much to see! The one bummer is that when it gets too dark for me to see, Jem is still acting like the greatest thing ever is happening right outside the window. Drives me crazy. Of course, my neighbors are convinced I have either serious mental problems or a healthy drug habit because I frequently stick my face against the glass trying to peer into the darkness to see whatever night creatures are lurking in the yard. Hmm. maybe if I turned the lights off INSIDE, the outside would be easier to see...Sheesh. (Holy cow, dummy! I totally forgot that I have night vision binoculars! Sometimes my dumb surprises even me.)

There are also other birds that I don't recognize. I need a good bird book for our portion of the state, or a good app on my phone that lets me snap a photo and tells me what bird it is, what they eat, where they nest, etc. I think I read somewhere that there is some app that lets you take photos of shoes and then tells you where you can buy them. Wizardry, I tell you, but if that works, why can't they do it for wildlife? Maybe they just really want the technology to identify mystery shoes, but haven't pulled it off, yet. Or, maybe I just made that up as wishful thinking but made it about shoes because I don't think I deserve to have something so magical benefit me...other than the elves that live in my phone and run text messages back and forth. Ahem..anyway, I need a quick and fool-proof way for identifying birds, because it seems like every week a new bird pops by. Unfortunately, the new birds either move too quickly that I can't get a good look, or they fly away long before I can navigate through my copy of Sibley's. I guess there are very cool people that can identify birds by their song, but since I still can't identify musical artists by their songs, even ones I really, really like, I don't know that there is much hope for me. .....

An episode of Dr. Who came on and one of the characters said he really loved ELO, but the song that was playing was one I always thought was by the Beatles. I am a failure. Just don't tell Mr. Music Snob that I still get confused by the whole ZZTop / Lynyrd Skynyrd thing. I mean, I know they aren't the same, and I am pretty sure ZZTop guys have beards because one of them was Angela's dad on Bones, but I seriously can't remember which songs go with which band, even though I am almost positive I like both. I haven't watched television in years so he may not be her Dad anymore. Billy Idol might be her Dad, or someone from Lynard Skynard paid Mr. ZZ top to pretend to be her Dad, in which case she might need therapy with Sweets. I probably screwed all that up and now feel the need to binge watch Bones on Netflix.

And none of that has anything to do with my yard or birds or cats or anything terribly relevant, but then again...I do what I want.

Miss Bella

Miss Bella owns our neighborhood. I mean, we bought our house, but the actual neighborhood belongs to Bella. She is quite pretty, super sweet, and most people can't help but love her. However, she is a bit odd. She's that neighbor that just assumes you are available, regardless of the hour. It never occurs to her that you might be in the middle of an important phone call, eating dinner, or even bleeding because the kitchen attacked you. You will still drop what you are doing, staunch your wound, and attend her because you are living on her land and she feels entitled to your adulation. There are days when you might have the weird feeling that someone is watching you, and sure enough, Bella is in the middle of the backyard, glaring at the house. There have been times when I have felt the tingle on the back of my neck, only to turn around and find Bella on the front porch, her face literally half an inch from the window, just staring at me. If she was prone to wearing weird Halloween masks, I would have died of fright at least 3 times.  I have heard stories about how Bella will just walk into your home and curl up on the sofa, or better yet, stretch out on your bed, and make herself at home. She hasn't done that to us, yet, but I have sort of seen it once. My friend and I were on her porch, talking about something random when sweet Bella strolled right by and into the open front door. We just stood there in shock as she got about 8 feet down the hall. Unfortunately for Bella, there are two very large dogs that live there, and they came thundering around the corner, convinced they were being invaded by enemy hoards who must die. (There is a gate that prevents them from actually going down that hallway, so she was in no real danger, but I admit they are still intimidating.) Bella flew out of the house, down the stairs, and into the hedge, shooting us a nasty look as she went by. See, Bella is a cat...

...and Jem HATES her. My boy is the sweetest thing ever, but he hates her with a passion. If you have read previous posts, you might remember the cat who lured my sweet boy out into the backyard..that was Bella. And she knows he hates her. She not only knows it, she relishes it. She loves nothing more than to get us outside, doing her bidding, while he watches from the window. She rolls around in the grass, loves up on us and tells us stories, and basically acts like a total show off. The entire time, he is clawing frantically at the glass, howling, at least as much as his little boy voice allows. It is as if he is trapped in a burning building. She will glance up at him and purr/growl in her weird little way.

Scout is not a fan, either. She typically pulls a "Bella" and finds a window where she can just sit quietly...staring...and passing judgment on us for fraternizing with the enemy. If  Jem happens to go crashing into the room where Scout sits, he will flip out at her, and I will have to vacuum up enough loose fur to make another cat. She is nowhere near as crazed as her brother, but still not a fan. I think eventually Bella and Scout might be able to live in the same house, as long as each of them had their own floor, with maybe a floor between them. I am fairly certain Jem would pull the house down.

Several months ago, Jem caught sight of Bella while he was sitting in the sunroom (we had already reinforced it after his original Bella sighting and subsequent chase). As usual, he lost his mind. My teenager tried to convince him to go inside and calm down. She will likely wear the scars on her arm forever. I am not kidding. She came walking up to me with blood dripping down her arm,  babbling something about cats. Being 'Mother of the Year' that I am, I ignored her and immediately turned my attention to the cats. Poor kid. We would eventually laugh about it, but I think she gladly would have kicked me if she hadn't been trying so hard not to become completely hysterical. Two weeks later, my sweet gifted child once again tried to remove an angry Jem from his perch while he was attempting to rain death down upon Bella, only this time he got her neck. Those scars have mostly faded. This is what happens when children grow up in a household with an unhinged mother who thinks every action by a cat requires discussion, applause, or panic. I am an idiot, and my children believe they are second class citizens behind the cats.

This afternoon, my younger child gave up on her dream of getting a dog and decided she wanted her own cat. This despite the fact that traitor Jem often curls up with her on the bed and acts like he is HER cat. She kept making cat puns and giving me sad eyes and the whole shebang. I am a sucker for cats, and she knows it. So, I proposed this: she can get a kitten when she convinces Jem to be friends with Bella. Since she hasn't personally experienced the terror that is a Bella / Jem encounter just yet, she gladly accepted the deal and started thinking of names. Meanwhile, the older child was standing behind her laughing her head off, mostly because she knows it will never happen.

You can't tame the beasts...they do what they want.

The Show

When we started looking for a house to purchase, we had a short list of  'must haves'.  Our priorities were:

1) At least this many bedrooms
2) Sunroom for the cats
3) Trees

Maybe not the traditional priority list, with no mention of square footage or neighborhood or even a firm budget, but we aren't real traditional people. Our agent was wonderful, understood us completely, and found just what we wanted. Plus, it had all that other stuff people like, like bathrooms and basements and nearby fire stations and a price we were willing to pay.

The sunroom is on the second level so you can pretend it is a tree house. Or maybe that is just me..and the cats. Just outside the sunroom is a tree, which you kinda need for it to feel like a tree house. I've hung a tube style bird feeder in the tree, which attracts birds like Carolina chickadees, the occasional titmouse, and a cardinal who drops by in the mornings and evenings.  But the most common visitors are squirrels. The squirrels stand on the branch slightly below the feeder, and sort of reach up to get the seeds. (Something like the photo below that I found posted online.) Scares the tar out of me most times. I am sure they are going to plummet to the ground. Yeah, I know, squirrel: the most sure-footed of the backyard beasts. I have issues.

The feeder is known as "The Show".  You know, for the cats. If you sit down next to Scout while she is watching her show, she will tell you all about it. The occasional "really" is all it takes to keep her talking. Jem sits quietly, like a sniper on recon, waiting for the day he can take a shot at a visiting robin. We are hoping that day never comes because I think that deep down inside my sweet little boy lies a bloodthirsty killer waiting to be let loose on unsuspecting wildlife. There was one time right after we moved in that almost tested my theory. A neighbor's intrepid cat got too close to the feeder and Jem's tree stand (aka a table near the sunroom door), prompting sweet Jem to bust through the door, down the stairs, and out into the yard. It took 8 grown men and a velociraptor tranquilizer to bring him down. OK, he got out from under the roof's overhang, out to the back of the property, realized she was gone and he was now in a torrential rainstorm, so he stopped long enough for me to throw a towel on him and scoop him up. (Advice: thick towels are better than bare hands when attempting to hold an angry cat. Of course, just avoiding angry cats is always best.) It was life or death for a minute, though. Jem is a big boy with big claws and no idea what "pulling a punch" means. Thankfully, the rain had encouraged most of the birds and things to be tucked away out of sight.

There is one brave chap who loves to get up in Scout's face and shake his squirrel booty. She gets so mad, but I guess he knows he is safe. Have you ever heard a squirrel laugh? I have. One evening I even thought I heard a "nanny nanny boo boo" coming from the tree, but that may have been the glass of wine I was trying. (Wine is my grown-up test. When I can stand a glass of wine, I will finally be an adult. Wine still makes me gag, so Call of Duty stays.)

As I was working on ideas for the backyard, the thought of moving the feeder out into the yard did flit through my mind. It would eliminate some of the mess from falling sunflower seed shells. (Husks? Shells? Whatever. Leftover bits they don't eat.) Yeah, I could just get the pre-shelled seeds, but those are much more expensive, and my seed bill is already high. Don't want Mr. Financial Man to fuss. Maybe I should just invest in one of those things that hang below the feeder and collects the shells. An initial, one-time investment is better than recurring costs, right? Mr. Financial Man would be proud! But moving the feeder might just prevent the squirrel's homicidal tendencies from surfacing if he isn't quite as close to the house and our tasty electrical lines. Decisions, decisions.



Update: Scout has now weighed in. The show must go on, so the feeder stays. Mr. Financial Man is also Mr. Matchy Matchy Man, who will probably want all the feeders in one location, and all matching colors, so I may have some convincing to do there. Wait, Mr. Matchy Matchy Man is also Scout's Personal Person, and we all know Scout gets what she wants. Problem solved.

The Backyard: My Big Dilemma.

As the weather warms slightly and thoughts turn to yard and garden, I am faced with a dilemma... what type of easy yard or garden do I want? Don't laugh. My world is small, so the same goes for my 'problems'. I am a lucky girl. 

This is our first spring in the house, and the yard is almost a blank canvas. There are trees and such, but no really defined spaces. I want to do a seating area, and maybe a pergola, but also a bird area. Since it is still too early to start the actual work, what with the icy rain (but not snow) outside my window, I feel fairly confident in my landscaping skills. Come April, I will probably give up and call someone to lay pine straw and forget it. In the meantime, I will plan.

So, let's go through several garden styles and see what might work...
Maybe a lovely Japanese garden with a shallow pool and some rocks and bonsai, and those little ball-shaped bushes. That would be pretty. They don't grow in that shape? I have to trim them? Have you seen my skills with a trimmer? Nope.What about a Chinese sort of bamboo thing? Bamboo is invasive? How invasive? Oh. That's bad. Next! What about the one I call an English cottage garden? Too fussy and I am not a huge fan of roses. French formal? Too...formal. Rock garden? Um, no. What about a hedge maze? That would be super cool. Oh, that requires planting hedges in a certain pattern, and letting them grow for years and years? But I am more 'instant gratification', and less 'patience is a virtue'. Oh, and plans sort of make me itch. No hedge maze. Water garden? Mosquitoes and drowned chipmunks are not my favorite.

I guess I will have to create my own style. Rats. That doesn't sound easy at all. 

Let's start with a bird area. I love having bird feeders in the yard. Not ALL of the feeders, just a few. There are loved ones who have ALL of the feeders in their yards, and it takes them hours to clean, fill, and protect the feeders from invading hoards of squirrels and raccoons. (Spell check says the plural of raccoon is raccoon. I like to put an 's' on things. Sort of adds character.) I love spending time in their yards, taking advantage of their hard work, but I am not ready for that type of commitment. My mother-in-law's 'Season of the Grackle' was enough to show me I didn't have what it takes to go full-on Audubon. (That was the sequel to father-in-laws "Battle of the Air Potatoes". Not directly bird related, but yard beautification related, which leads to bird happiness. Blood was spilled in that one.) Up to this point, my way of attracting birds has been pretty basic. Put out some black oil sunflower seed and some fresh water, and something will come. Might take a couple of days, but it has always worked for me. To really provide for them, you need to get some bushy stuff they can use as cover. I do want some cover for them so I will have to get...a shrubbery! Or two. I have a couple of baths and a pedestal feeder that match, and I would love to plant some flowers that would draw in hummingbirds and butterflies. 

Birders generally seem to dislike squirrels. Evidently, they will run off the "desirable" birds and make a mess. I have heard tales of how squirrels will sneak into our attic, chew on the electrical lines, and kill us in our sleep, but I suspect this is propaganda put out by the "desirable" birds. What the heck does that mean? I am excited when I get any bird.

Just because I haven't seen a Xantus's hummingbird out back doesn't mean I am a complete failure.  (They are strictly found in Baja and I am not, but the reference comes from The Big Year... really fun movie.Don't let the title fool you, it is more than a quest for birds. Do you think the combination of Jack Black, Steve Martin, and Owen Wilson would lend itself to a serious documentary/drama?) Anyway, I happen to like squirrels and chipmunks, so I am not interested in discouraging them. Maybe I should get one of those little corn holders? I do have the tube feeder in the tree, but that story is for another time.

This morning I discovered the fountain we purchased two houses ago. It must have gotten moved out of one of the Pods and just put in this little corner beside the house. I could put it out in the yard and probably run electricity out to it. (By "I" I actually mean "someone not me".) That would provide the water sound and movement birds like. And it is not deep enough for chipmunk death. Added bonus: I wouldn't have to dig a huge hole to put in the pond I wanted. Yippee! So, we have bird baths, a pedestal feeder, a fountain, and some really awesome tools for planting flowers. But what else do I want?

A seating area sounds nice. A place to sit and read a book, listen to the birds, and just enjoy the day. Should I get a fire pit? Would we ever use a fire pit? Probably not, although they look cool. Definitely, want a little table. A hammock? Maybe that should go in the kids' section....

The kids have a spot picked out off to the side where the climbing dome can live, along with the sandbox they are too old for but insist they will use, and any other kid stuff that comes along. You know
what would be awesome? One of those big outdoor chess boards! It could sort of be the transition from kid to actual garden. Maybe use the flat area to the back of the property as a croquet field? Oh, and the kids want a small veggie garden in their section. They know the critters will harvest anything that grows, and it will ultimately become a weed garden, but I will consider it.

So, I think I have narrowed down what elements I might want, and at least eliminated garden types I don't. Now to go to the financial guy and see what my budget looks like, Oh, budget...something else that makes me itch. Unfortunately, when it comes to large expenditures, I don't get to just do what I want...

I Don't Think It Means What You Think It Means: Kitchen Edition

Before we begin, I feel there are a few things that should be known:

I hate cooking. I only do it as a last resort (Mr. Chef is otherwise engaged and we are desperate). My goal in the kitchen is to fill bellies with something that has a hint of nutritional value and not kill anyone...with the least amount of effort possible. 

Recipes make no sense to me. I can follow one to the letter, and it still comes out looking like something that requires crime scene tape. 

Thank you, but no, I don't want to learn to cook. There will not be a moment when it all clicks and I suddenly find a passion for all things kitchen, and even if I did, I am far too stubborn to admit it. 

Oh, and baking is right out.

On with the lesson!

OVEN: By oven, I assume you mean the Hotbox. It is the ugly thing against the wall that, at least in my experience, turns things black and activates the smoke alarms. 

QUICK: Microwaves are quick. Anything in or on the Hotbox is not quick. Period. It will also activate the smoke alarms which takes more time to air out the house. 

SIMPLE DISH: Does it have more than 3 ingredients? Not so simple, then. 

EASY RECIPE: If contains leeks, shallots, mushrooms, or onions, it does not qualify as "easy". Oh, and flour. Flour is a red flag. Flour never, ever means easy. Ever.* 

GUACAMOLE: Tastiest green goop ever, but not made from avocados. I hate avocados, but love guac, therefore it can not possibly be made of avocado. 

*OK, there is some debate about roux. Roux is like a base, and bases are for freeze tag and baseball, not for kitchening, and not a stand alone dish. It could be the start of a recipe, but not a stand alone dish. I stand firm: flour is never easy. 

To be continued.