First off, the cats are fine. Everyone knows you start there. Cats are fine, kids and husband are fine, and on down the line.
Now that we have that out of the way, let's get on with the story.
PART 1:
Chaos. Remember how I talked about "The Show" and the tree and the yard and the cats and their love of "The Show"? Well, silly me. When you take a tree leaning on your roof and add to it a lovely bird feeder and birdbath, sprinkle in a bit of a drought and an oncoming winter, you get...guests. Yes, we had a squirrel in the attic.Guess part of the stories were true! Stupid me, I thought it was cute because he was warm and cozy and like that pet you just couldn't cuddle. Then the cats noticed him. They started climbing walls and standing on very tall things and risking life and tail to reach the ceiling so they could claw through and play with their friend. The cats were seriously annoyed. So, it was time to do something.
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| Not the culprit, rather a cutie I photographed several houses ago. |
I called a wildlife expert who looked nice and kind and caring on his website. I said I had this issue and wanted the squirrel removed and returned to the yard where he could make a new home and stay out of mine. Under no circumstances was the squirrel to be harmed. Mr. Wildlife Man said of course not, stuff stuff stuff poison inside is illegal...can't kill...relocate...stuff. Phew. OK, so he is a humane wildlife guy. Perfect. They would have to relocate him at least 5 miles away or he will get back in. That stinks, but at least he will be OK. We talked about when and how and my stupid brain kept slipping back to what happens after. I finally blurted it out. "What seriously happens after you take him? Will he survive out there? Maybe we should just leave him be." I got a heavy sigh. "Well. ma'am, that's where it gets a little complicated. See, I actually use them to feed hungry families." My brain said "ACK BLAG GARR WHA WHO ACK GLARB". My mouth made a sound I have been told sounded like a cross between a sick duck and badly played bagpipes. My phone said "HAHAHAHAHAH!Oh, that was a good one!" Mr. Wildlife was practically falling out of his chair laughing at me. I was having a complete meltdown, trying to figure out if I could choose between a squirrel and starving children and maybe I could just buy those people food to save my squirrel and oh, gosh I had no idea! And this guy was LAUGHING. So I started laughing. Holy cow, I did not know what to do with myself, but at least I found someone with a sense of humor who would take care of my "problem". Once my heart stopped racing I found the whole thing absurdly funny.
So, Mr. Wildlife came out to the house to check on my squirrel. I didn't even kick him. We did laugh. I showed him the bird feeder I had right against the house so the cats could see it well. I showed him The Show feeder, hanging in the tree that kept rubbing against the roof. I showed him the pole feeder system I wanted to put up near the big window. Then I asked if I was the dumbest client he had ever had. He said, "Well....would you like me to throw those feeders away or are you gonna?" I told him the whole story about why I bought the house and how The Show was essential and how it was his job to make my house secure from wildlife intrusions. He said, "well, do you wanna throw away the feeders or should I?" Evidently, the feeders had to go. I was devastated. He said that if I felt like I just HAD to have them, I needed to wait 6 months before I put them back out, and then they needed to be at the very edge of the property. I thought that was kind of clever. I don't have a squirrel problem, but my neighbors get one and Mr. Wildlife gets more business. Ha!
He checked everything out, told me he had done some other work in the neighborhood, and I was not alone, and he could handle this pretty easily. (And replace this, patch this, cover that, clean this, do that, and don't forget the other thing.) "That'll be eleventy thousand dollars, please. Oh, and that tree in the back? Yeah, it has to be trimmed way back before my guys can do anything." Um, that is "The Show" tree, so no. "Well, enjoy your squirrel." At this point my Google research popped back into my head with visions of the house on fire and children with rabies and all the other things the evil internet suggested could happen. Mr.Wildlife gave me a general idea of what he needed, told me it was best for the house and to prevent additional guests, and asked me to give him a call when it was done. Ugh, Fine.
So, I called Mr. Tree Specialist. I explained my situation, told him that I wanted as little removed from the tree as possible, and maybe he could call Mr. Wildlife to discuss. Then I told him about the starving people and how Mr. Wildlife thinks I am an idiot. Mr. Tree also thought it was hysterically funny, but decided to come out and take a look around before he called Mr. Wildlife.
Next stop: Destruction!
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